To hurt and heal together
We inherit more than just our last name from family. From peculiar features to certain personality traits, we are a product of several generations combined. But it’s more than just the biological aspects that can be hereditary. We also pass on values and morals to our children, which dictates the quality of their adult life in monumental ways. If parents get it right, they’re creating successful adults. But our parents are also humans, they can make mistakes. How can their mistakes affect the next generation, what about the generation after that? Let me elaborate with the help of my personal experience.
The Indian society functions on certain mandates which are evolving with time, though at a much slower pace than the rest of the world? This is about my mother, just another girl in the 1990’s, when most middle class families believed that a woman’s worth lies in marriage. When she turned 23, her parents had started searching for a suitable match for her. She came from a modest household, her father was a banker and mother, a housewife. She had a younger brother who was always naturally favored. Throughout her life, my mother had been neglected. She was a young girl with not many aspirations because she’d not been supposed enough. She was pretty, social and a hopeless romantic but she’d always been violently depressed for years. In fact, she also had a suicidal history but she didn’t seek any professional help. The stigma towards mental health was significantly higher in that time compared to now. But she was coping well until her first engagement fell through. In a simple, tightly knit community, an incident like this tainted the family’s name. Not only socially but also psychologically this had destroyed her, even more so because it was a love match. It wasn’t a mutual separation, it was an issue of infidelity from the other side. You can imagine what a woman raised in a misogynistic household would think of herself in such a delicate situation. At this point, my mother was completely numb. She was virtually unbothered and unwilling to make any decisions for herself. Her marriage with my father was more of a convenience than anything else.
I was born exactly one year later, to a woman seriously depressed. She lost herself in the role of a wife and mother, following in the footsteps of her own mother. She did what she’d seen her mother do. Never questioning if what she was doing was right. As a parent, my mother strived to be perfect. In her clinically depressed state, she focused all her attention on me.
Toddlers are naughty, toddlers are messy, I was none. From before I can remember, I’d been taught to follow orders and not make messes. And when I’d slip up, I was punished in a way that most Indian parents deem right, spanking and beating. So, from the tender age of 4 I’d been imbibed with fear.
Fast forward a few years, my little brother was born and by then I’d proven to be an academic failure. Which is a far step for perfect but luckily the second pregnancy had changed my mother. She’d given herself time to reflect, to think back and reevaluate her mistakes. This one important step taken by her changed my life and most importantly, saved my brother from experiencing the same emotional and physical trauma I had. My mother regained her aspirations and pursued further studies in psychology, this was pivotal for the rest of our journeys.
You can see how trauma may be transferred down through generations. I was able to look back and analyze the chronological sequence of events, it was easy to identify how something that happened to my mother affected me. But in most cases this is not possible, a parent’s trauma is passed onto a child and then to the next generation until one of them decides to break the cycle.
Healing and winning over generational trauma is a hard and hurtful process but a necessary one. In my case, accountability and acceptance helped my mother take steps to heal herself. Which in turn changed her attitude towards her children and provided betterment to my life as well. My childhood was a long period of failing and learning for both my mother and me. But it did make a good basis for the rest of my life. After experiencing the repercussions of her mistakes, I was careful not to repeat them. And it dictated the way I dealt with my own traumatic experiences. In many ways, my childhood impaired many aspects of my personality but the awareness and inspiration provided by my mother helps me work on myself early on rather than later in life.
Indian society tells us not to question our parents, to adhere to the family hierarchy. But time is changing and with it, many of our societal mandates are evolving as well. Now, why don’t we apply the same to familial dysfunction and it’s impact on the mental health of future generations. If I and everyone my age is able to identify when they are stuck in a cycle of dysfunction and choose to free themselves of it, we can make better parents and ultimately pave the path for future generations.
About The Author
Mahi Pandya, Co-Head at PsyCreative Column
Psychology Committee, SDSOS, NMIMS
Mahi Pandya , currently studying psychology decided to pursue psychological studies after she was diagnosed with Dysgraphia and Developmental co-ordination Disorder (DCD) .She is a sensitive individual who is an empath by birth and her interest in reading has enabled her to express herself quite well. Her love for English language reflects in her write ups. She aims at bringing about an acceptance of Mental Health issues as any other health issue and wiping off the social stigma associated with it through this medium.
Picture credits- pixbay, istockphoto
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