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Your Struggle Is Valid 

TW – Mention of Sexual Abuse 

Trauma? What is trauma? The emotional response to a problem that shatters your security? The feeling that you have completely lost control and dived into a never-ending array of helplessness? Or is it something that makes you feel entirely too much or way too little? Filled with confusion so exasperating, you can barely make sense of anything anymore? Trauma is such a complex concept, it’s hard to accurately define or even cover it’s aspects in merely a few sentences. How do you seek to explain something that is so subjective? Something that impacts everyone differently and something that has so many facets, you could spend a lifetime understanding them and that still wouldn’t be enough.

Each and every human being that has ever walked the face of the Earth is unique and so inevitably, the way we perceive things and react to situations are inherently different. However, just like society has preconceived notions about anything and everything under the sun, the fact that they categorize certain responses to trauma as acceptable and invalidate the rest doesn’t surprise me. Psychologically, fight, flight, freeze and appease are the four major reactions to trauma that an individual can exhibit. Ever since we were in school, we have been taught about the fight and flight responses to trauma but seldom did we discuss the other two which are surprisingly more commonly exhibited than you would think. Freeze primarily occurs when the individual is so overwhelmed by the situation that they are paralyzed with fear and this is also an adaptive response to a threatening situation. However, since this response is not as proactive as the others, it is often not considered a valid response to trauma. So much so that even trauma victims start blaming themselves because oh well isn’t it natural to do everything in your power to get yourself out of a horrific situation? Society has conditioned us to believe that if you fail to stand up to your abuser or cannot voice your opinions because you are so enveloped with fear, you literally cannot move, a part of the blame is yours to carry? Can you imagine invalidating someone’s experience because of the nature of their response or rather the lack thereof? These notions have so deeply been ingrained within us that the first counter questions that come to mind encompass themes of “Why did this happen to YOU? Maybe it was your fault?"

The way society has an inherent tendency to shift the blame is something I just can't wrap my head around. Can you imagine the magnitude of insensitivity it must take to ask a survivor of sexual abuse why they didn’t fight back or even hint that since they did not portray any physical signs of distress, maybe, they weren’t as opposed to it as they thought they were? A classic example of entitlement facilitated by the patriarchy, isn’t it? Have you ever stopped to think about how the victim could end up internalising these statements and change the entire narrative of what happened to them? Can you imagine actually leading someone to believe that they had the power to stop what was happening to them if only they would have tried harder? By doing so, you are only enabling the shift of blame from the abuser to the victim and re - ingraining the long prevalent belief that “One must have done something wrong for something so bad to have happened to them”. The fourth response to trauma is Appease. Using this method, trauma survivors learn to dismiss conflicts even before they occur. Convenient as this may sound, this takes a toll on the self – esteem of survivors as they turn all the negativity that they have towards others to themselves, constantly push down their own needs to put others’ on a pedestal, and feel a sense of shame for not being able to stand up for themselves.  A major step in recovering from this is identifying and pinpointing when you are engaging in people - pleasing activities. However, once again, society sees this as a sign of weakness and inability to stand one’s ground.

Adding to the pile of comments, advice and, oh so useful suggestions that we, as a society have fabricated as a valuable favour to trauma survivors is the misguided notion of forcing yourself to look for the silver lining in situations even where there isn’t one. It is not your place to tell anyone that being forced to experience or even witness a hard situation is only going to make them stronger and build resilience. Not everything happens for a reason so invalidating people’s emotions under the pretext of helping them look at the “Brighter side of things” is not okay. Let people take their time to really feel their feelings, acknowledge that they are unravelling layers and layers of grief, assure them that they are loved and above all be kind to those around you, especially those survivors who need it the most.

About The Author 

Meherzeen Siganporia, Member of the PsyCreative Column

Psychology Committee, SDSOS, NMIMS

Meherzeen Siganporia is an 18-year-old student of Psychology who is passionate about photography, reading, and writing. She absolutely loves cycling to the beach and is always down for anything impulsive and adventurous. If having deep, intellectual conversations is your thing, she is your go - to girl.

Image Source: Google

 


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