Opposites attract: A myth or reality?

 

Tall and short! 

Outspoken and quiet! 

Emotional and logical! 

For years, social scientists have analyzed and attempted to understand the relationship between opposing traits in human personalities. Our personalities are almost like a mosaic of hues- varying, changing, and often blending. The American Psychological Association describes personality as the enduring characteristics and behaviours that are unique to a person. The field of personality psychology studies its nature, dynamic processes, and examines interpersonal relationships through the lens of personality. One of the more potent topics within this sphere is the effect of opposing traits on attraction- both platonic and romantic. The portrayal of seemingly perfect romantic relationships between individuals with opposing personalities, in both media and real life, thrive on how each member compensates for the other’s weaknesses with their own strengths. This constant portrayal of attraction between opposing personality types has caused its own internalization, with more than 86% of those looking for love stating that they are seeking a partner with contrasting traits. Not only does this affect our views on attraction, but also makes us question the involvement of personality in the process. It raises the important question of whether these differences in personality traits and intrinsic characteristics do, actually, determine the extent of attraction between people.

In an age where cultural and societal norms no longer heavily affect long-term romantic relationships, the importance of a certain level of intrinsic motivation to continue a relationship is of extreme importance. While security, closeness and comfort do add to this motivation, factors such as excitement, passion, risk and adventure contribute much more significantly. Without this constant, healthy seeking of affection, security turns into boredom and intimacy often turns into claustrophobia. Similar to this concept, The Continuum of Self Theory explains that all individuals are constantly seeking balance in relationships. Thus, they are consciously and unconsciously attracted to romantic partners that have an opposite, but balanced, personality and sense of self. An extrovert and an introvert, for example, would balance each other’s energy levels. Research has shown that pathological narcissists, due to their excessive need for attention and respect, are attracted to people who show altruistic behaviour. As opposite and balanced personality types, there is almost always an immediate sense of connection and attraction. This resulting equal-halves relationship does not guarantee happiness and contentment but is said to be able to endure hard times and undesirable changes.  

Whether people really find opposites more attractive has been at the core of numerous studies- both, evidence-based and theoretical. Despite most romantic comedies and media displays hinging on the idea that we are more likely to be attracted to someone with completely different qualities to ourselves- and 80% of viewers believing the statement- there is very limited research that proves it to be true. Social scientists such as Byrne have stated that due to our need for validation and consistency, we tend to gravitate towards those who reinforce our own ideas and opinions- thus, favouring similar partners. Many psychologists and sociologists are of the opinion that differences in personality can push people apart, and thus, reduce attraction. An important aspect of personality, the values that a person holds, are defined as the fundamental beliefs that guide or motivate their actions. Individualistic values vary immensely from person to person, and extreme variations can cause a disconnect in relationships. This, in turn, can result in arguments, avoidance, passive-aggressive behaviour and overall feelings of negativity and dislike towards one’s partner. Shared values, and thus, value orientation, can improve bonding, trust, and liking towards each other. An article published in the Journal of Psychological Science explains our attraction to those who look similar to us. Apart from romantic and physical attraction, trust levels have also been proven to be high between partners that consider themselves ‘similar-looking.’ This may stem from a healthy level of self-esteem or even a sense of familiarity with one’s own personality and character traits.

 
Among all the theories of personality, Friedman and Rosenman’s Type Theory is the most appropriate in the context of opposing traits. It divides personalities into four types- and thus, differentiates between them. Those with Type A personalities are described as competitive, impatient, hostile, aggressive and anxious. Type B personality is the opposite of Type A, with those having this type leaning towards calmness, patience, procrastination and creativity. Individuals with the Type C personality are often unassertive and incompetent leaders- showing unquestioned obedience to authority and suppressing their true opinions. The Type D personality has been recently added to this theory, with those possessing this type of personality being described as introspective, pensive, avoidant and dissatisfied. On psychological analysis, theorists state that although Type A and B are opposing personality types, they would not be compatible due to the risk of the Type A partner walking all over the Type B partner. As type A individuals are often leader figures and the latter more similar to followers, a twisted and unhealthy power dynamic can be created - potentially causing resentment. Although people of Type C and Type D personalities usually have a moderate-high level of neuroticism and are similar in more than a few ways, their need to suppress emotions does not allow for compatibility. This suppression and lack of communication may lead to misunderstandings and a lack of emotional or intellectual connection. Thus, through this thorough analysis of attraction between those with varying amounts of differences in their personalities, we understand that this attraction is relative and subjective. It changes according to the dynamic of a relationship and does not follow fixed rules or theories.

Most research conducted to establish this cause-effect relationship between personality and attraction has been done on a relatively small scale with a limited sample. In the 1950s, Robert Winch, a sociologist, in an attempt to understand relationships better, interviewed married couples and studied their personalities and needs. He found out that in order to make a marriage work, social aspects of one’s personality such as value orientation, aggressiveness and assertiveness, should be similar and complementary.
Subsequently, psychologist Donn Byrne was one of the first ones to study the impact of similarity on the early stages of a relationship. He used a method called the ‘Phantom Stranger Technique’, in which individuals, after stating their opinion on a topic, evaluated their attraction to a ‘phantom stranger’ with similar ideas. It was found through this study that participants reported feeling more attracted to those with similar thought content.
In conclusion, although both sides of this debate have valid arguments, it is important to understand that attraction is subjective as well as relative. Ultimately, factors such as trust, mutual respect and communication play the largest part in making a relationship work successfully. Research on this topic, due to its scientific and empirical nature, has leaned towards proving wrong the theory that opposites attract. The truth, however, is that science is yet to decipher and understand the complexities of attraction, and its relation to personality. Present and future studies with the aim of understanding attraction may even provide us with the sought-after answer to the ultimate question: Do opposites really attract?
 
About the Author
Masumi Pradhan
Sub-head at the Psycreative Column
First-year student, B.Sc. Applied Psychology, NMIMS
Inquisitive, resilient and ambitious, Masumi Pradhan- born and brought up in Mumbai- believes in constantly exploring and nurturing her creative side, taking on new projects every opportunity she gets. Currently pursuing her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from SDSOS, she hopes to inspire other writers and artists around her while holding a light up to topics and ideas rarely spoken about on the daily. Her most valued skills include communication and leadership, which she plans on honing further through exposure and experience in years to come.