Hear Me Out: Learning How To Actively Listen To Your Partner

 

“Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.”, Joel tells Clementine after she points out to him that he doesn’t open up to her anymore. There’s no doubt that these lines struck a chord with a lot of us when we watched Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind for the first time or the countless times after that. It’s not a secret that long-lasting and happy relationships exist due to elements like love, trust, and respect. But these factors, no matter how important, cannot hold a relationship together in the absence of perhaps one of the most important one of them- communication. No relationship comes easily. Partners have to put in the effort to make it work, especially when it comes to romantic relationships, and one of the sole reasons for the downfall of any relationship is communication problems. 

With individual differences in personalities, the communication style that one adopts can also vary. However, it is necessary to understand your communication style because otherwise, it would be difficult to be self-aware and might lead to an unhealthy relationship. Some of the most common communication styles include Assertive, Aggressive, Passive, and Passive-Aggressive. People possessing an assertive communication style usually have high self-esteem and manage to express their opinions without hurting other people’s emotions. They are empathic and take responsibility for their words. On the other hand, people with an aggressive communication style may come across as abrasive. They may have no regard for other people’s opinions and prioritise their own needs. Passive communicators tend to be submissive. They lack self-confidence and avoid confrontation. They do not consider their own feelings in an attempt to please others. People with a passive-aggressive communication style tend to be two-faced. They may act pretentiously to please others but would have ulterior motives. They are devious and hide their true emotions. These communication styles may have stemmed from possible incidents of an individual’s childhood or their family dynamics. 

Adult romantic relationships today have immensely evolved from what they used to be. Today’s generation is freer and more upfront when it comes to conversing with their significant other. This openness contributes to healthy and mature relationships. People also take sufficient time to get into relationships. Novels and series might have significantly romanticised the idea of actual relationships, and yet, our generation is more cautious when it comes to communicating their feelings to someone. Healthy communication builds trust and dodges any potential misunderstandings. There are more sources of communication today as opposed to the handful of ways that were accessible earlier. It is due to these sources that even long-distance relationships have a possibility of working. But, in spite of all this, conflicting communication styles may create issues within a relationship. For example- when an individual with an aggressive communication style enters into a relationship with an individual with a passive communication style. It would drain the latter emotionally, because of their low confidence, leading to self-doubt. Therefore, identifying a healthy communication style and rectifying it is vital for the survival of any relationship. 

Non-verbal communication is also as important as verbal communication; small and thoughtful actions on one’s part can make their partner smile. When non-verbal cues start matching one’s words, it builds trust and rapport among the individuals. It is rightly said that ‘Actions speak louder than words’. Sometimes, expressing your feelings repeatedly through words might not be enough, and expressing yourself through actions becomes necessary. At times, actions may also hurt more than words. 

Contradicting words and actions may lead to conflicts in relationships. When faced with tough situations, some people choose to deal with them in a healthy manner by choosing to have the uncomfortable and awkward conversations, but some people do the exact opposite by taking the easy way out and possibly aggravating the present situations with their maladaptive ways. Just like the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse that are mentioned in the New Testament of the Bible, the Four Horsemen that almost always lead to the undoing of a relationship are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. These are communication patterns that people resort to in times of uncertainty and disagreement. Criticism is the first horseman. Often confused with complaining, which concerns the correction of a behavior that is causing problems, criticism is, in fact, attacking your partner for their character or something apart from the issue at hand. This is problematic because if not nipped in the bud, it leads to the second horseman - Contempt - coming into play. Contempt is only different from criticism in the sense that it forces a person to assume a sort of moral superiority over their partner, and involves the usage of bodily gestures, facial expressions, and the occasional sarcastic comment. This is when things really start to get ugly. Usually, in response to criticism, a person will turn defensive, which is the third horseman. This situation is especially sticky because the person being criticised will not only try to avoid taking accountability for their actions, but also try to shift the blame onto their partner, or somebody else. Another response pattern, typically to contempt, is stonewalling, which leads an individual to withdraw themselves from the conversation. The individual here starts to “shut down” due to a feeling of being crowded or flooded. Gradually, it becomes a habit and a poor coping mechanism for whenever your partner confronts you. 

Of course, trying to navigate through a relationship with minimal friction can be quite a tricky affair, but not impossible. Once you’ve recognized the flawed communication patterns, you can start to mend things by incorporating the skill of active listening. Active listening is of paramount importance because without hearing out your partner and being heard by them, the situation will not change, if not worsen. Here are a few techniques you can follow to be an active listener for your partner: 

1. Be Completely Present 

When your partner is voicing their concerns, being just physically present is not enough. You also need to be emotionally present, which naturally means blocking out all possible sources of distraction; your phone and that continuous inner monologue. 

2. Look Out for What Isn’t Being Said 

A big deal of emotions are conveyed through non-verbal cues than they are through words alone. Paying attention to your partner’s body language and the slightest changes in their facial expressions can help you understand them much better. 

3. Patience is Key 

Don’t interrupt them when they’re speaking - for whatever reason it may be. You may want to tell them about a similar experience you had, or provide them with “solutions”, but it’s not the wisest thing to do. Don’t keep coming up with possible things to say when they pause for a break. Silence your mind and focus on what’s being told to you. 

4. Acknowledge Them 

Keeping in mind the previous step, don’t just sit there motionless. You’re allowed, even encouraged, to make gestures, nods, faint smiles, or even slight Hmm’s that will affirm your partner’s sentiments. 

5. Asking Questions 

In between their pauses, ask some open-ended questions to them to help them elaborate on a specific subject. This could help them gauge their feelings better and also aid your understanding of the subject. However, don’t place emphasis on the unimportant bits, and in case you’ve done that, be mindful enough to circle back to the main track of the conversation. 

6. Do Not Judge 

It’s very tempting to jump to conclusions and pass a verdict about something your partner is describing, but doing this will create distrust in them and make them skeptical about opening up to you, and you don’t want that. So try to listen by keeping an open and accomodating mind to fully comprehend their thoughts and feelings. Listening to your partner actively will help them feel heard and cared for. Despite the gaps that may be present in your communication styles, or the presence of the Four Horsemen in your relationship, active listening is the first, and perhaps the most essential, tool that will assist you in bridging the gaps and healing your relationship. 

About the Authors 

The author is Hrishika Jain, studying in B.Sc. Applied Psychology. Being a psychologist has always been her ‘dream-career’ and to be able to pursue it makes her feel content. She loves reading and books have always been her happy place. She is an introvert and writing is her way of expressing thoughts. Mountains and Music are the 2 ‘M’s’ that make her feel calm. Tanveer is currently a first-year student studying BSc Applied Psychology. She considers herself to be introverted but loves filling awkward silences. She can be weirdly insightful about things you would imagine her last to be. She likes preserving her energy and derives most of it through activities like reading, journaling, and swimming. She is extremely reliable and trustworthy, and is a better friend than she thinks she is. Oh, and she absolutely adores dogs