When Love Feels Heavy: Coping With Resentment and Guilt as a Young Caregiver

 

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As a student, you already know that most of your time is taken up by responsibilities emanating from that realm of your life—deadlines, projects, expectations, inefficient teammates, stress—and you’re bound to feel exhausted after dealing with these, day in and day out. Now, imagine having to come home to a chronically sick parent, whom you have to care for each day because their health demands it. So, not only do you have to take care of your parent’s health and regulate their medication, diet, and other needs, but also fulfill your domestic responsibilities due to your parent’s reduced ability to do so. Having more on your plate than you can deal with makes your system prone to going into overdrive, and it’s only human to lash out once in a while. But sometimes, these feelings erupt in the form of resentment towards the parent, followed by guilt for even having those feelings in the first place. You may deem these feelings irrational and try to brush them under the carpet, however, by doing so, you are suppressing them only for them to flare up later even more intensely. In the next 700 words or so, we’ll discuss ways to deal with these feelings without invalidating them. But before we do that, let’s examine some reasons why individuals may have to be the sole caregivers to their parents and what sort of emotional states it may lead to.

There are many possible causes why some people might have to be the sole caregiver to a family member, including reasons like socioeconomic background, nuclear family structure, etc. For example, an individual from a low socioeconomic status may not have the monetary resources to afford professional caregivers, or a nuclear family may not have as many members to look after a chronically ill member, thus making it majorly one person’s responsibility.  Research has often focused on older spousal caregivers or adult children of older parents, but less light has been shed on individuals belonging to the age group of 18 to early 20s. Young adults belonging to this age group are in their phase of life where they do not have a solidified plan for their futures and are still figuring out the best option for themselves. Carving out a path for themselves takes up a considerable amount of their resources like time, psychological energy, and finances. On top of this, having them take on familial caregiving responsibilities can put them at considerable risk for depression and anxiety among other problems. These may often be accompanied by feelings of frustration and resentment that leave the caregiver feeling guilty.

Caregiving can be gratifying, especially if it is for a loved one, and it can make one feel quite fulfilled. However, putting the onus, of looking after a parent who is chronically ill, on only one individual can lead to them feeling overworked and overwhelmed. One of the most prominent predictors of resentment and frustration in young adult caregivers is the reduced time for leisure activities. Having to come home after long hours of college and resuming one’s caregiving duties without being able to catch a break can lead to burnout in caregivers. They may constantly find themselves not being able to catch up with their friends or take up new hobbies because their duties tire them out and more often than not render no leisure time at their disposal. Even during their free time, they are riddled with worries about their loved one, making it hard for them to fully enjoy it. The ill member’s designated household responsibilities also fall into their caregiver’s jurisdiction, adding to their strain. Another main source of resentment could be a result of the family’s economic strain. Households that have members that suffer from chronic illnesses spend a substantial amount of their funds on treatments, medication, and other special demands that the care recipient requires. Cashing out such large sums would make it nearly impossible to meet any special demands of the caregiver, and would leave very few resources for them to luxuriously take pleasure in. The frustration rooted in financial issues could be typically exaggerated in families with a poorer socioeconomic background. Sometimes, the care recipient can be a parent, and a young college-going adult who looks after their chronically sick parent may feel neglected emotionally, which can be a further reason for feelings of resentment. At an age when young adults are facing challenges in maintaining the direction of their lives and forging a concrete future for themselves, they are also in need of parental guidance and affection. And when the roles are reversed, with a parent needing to be looked after by their child, it may leave the child feeling like their emotional needs are not being met and that they have to be self-sufficient. Moreover, the attitude of the care recipients themselves towards their illness, their negligence, their unwillingness to seek effective treatment, or stick to treatment plans can make the caregiver feel very lonely and frustrated.

So how do you deal with these feelings without invalidating them? You can begin by trying to sit with these thoughts without rushing through them. Make an effort to dig deeper and recognize the root of these feelings. Try to comprehend your feelings and the very humanness of them, and that having them does not make you a monster. Recognizing your own needs and tending to them is also just as important. Having someone who can listen to you can help immensely; to do so, you can consider joining support groups. And finally, let go of idealistic expectations and set realistic goals. Instead of canceling plans with your friends every time because you think ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’ may not be able to handle themselves, take out some time for yourself each day and establish it as ‘Me’ time to do things, not related to caregiving, that destress you and bring you joy. Share some of your feelings or plans about the future with the parent that you look after and allow them to give their input, no matter how minuscule. It will help them feel more involved and significant in your life while also allowing you to feel less lonely. The key to dealing with such tricky feelings is to, well, feel them in their entirety and not brush them away. Processing these emotions and striking a balance between your life and your responsibilities are key during times like these.

References

Greene, J., Cohen, D., Siskowski, C., & Toyinbo, P. (2016). The relationship between family caregiving and the mental health of emerging young adult caregivers. The Journal of Behavioral Health Services & Research, 44(4), 551–563. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11414-016-9526-7

Kaasbøll, J., Skokauskas, N., Lydersen, S., & Sund, A. M. (2021). Parental Chronic Illness, Internalizing problems in young adulthood and the mediating role of adolescent attachment to parents: A Prospective Cohort study. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.807563

Taking Care of You – Dealing with Caregiver Guilt. (n.d.). Alzheimer’s Disease and Dementia. https://www.alz.org/blog/alz/may_2013/taking_care_of_you_%E2%80%93_dealing_with_caregiver_guilt

About the Author

Tanveer Saini

Third-year student and Member of the PsyCreative Column

Tanveer is someone who enjoys doing a bit of everything; she’s read a book or two, has a taste for films (she’s one of those annoying appreciators of cinema), has a fondness for most genres of music, and will incessantly be found dissecting at least one of these. Conversations with her will almost always involve subjects like dogs, impressionism, quantum physics, philosophy, reasons for existence, and the like. She’s got pretty concrete opinions about mostly everything but that doesn’t stop her from trying to broaden her knowledge even further. But most importantly, having a spontaneous laugh with her is quite easy because she’s as unserious of a person as she is serious.